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BtM: Chapter One -B- by *NexusYuber:iconNexusYuber:



Beyond the Mist

Chapter One: The Prodigal Brothers (con't)



       The streets of Whelder looked just as they did when we'd entered the training room a few hours earlier. A thick layer of mist from the ports had rolled in and filled the cobble streets with a veil of white, like a bride before the fated moment with her suitor. The people walking them were as ghosts, going about their business unaffected by the blindness and cool touch of the air, choosing instead to focus on the few, intermittent beams of yellow sun that managed to fight their way past the stone buildings and cloudy haze.

       Red had already taken his usual pose, with his thin arms tightly wrapped up in the pockets of his coat to stave off the cool air. Over his left shoulder rested a heavy messenger bag filled with journals, inkwells, pens and those creased, oily pieces of paper he called his 'notes'. They creaked and shuffled against the leather bag with every step he took, but I had gotten used to it after so many years; if that's what it took to keep the most respected cartographer in Orkora in the business, then that was that. Besides, we had to get used to each other after training for so long. Red may have been able to tell where a pirate took his afternoon nap by looking at the stars, but only I could keep the ship from falling into the depths of the mists when half of it had been blown away by said pirate's friends. Symbiotic relationship, they say.

       As a self-proclaimed 'tinkerer', I kept my trench coat shorter, just about knee length, and my black hair just long enough to keep my ears from freezing off. My bag was filled with the necessities for keeping a ship from falling into the bottomless mists surrounding Orkora: a mallet, twelve foot rope, nails, measuring tools and a whole bunch of water-bread for eating on the job. The stuff all clanged together something awful if I ran, and my job kept me running a bunch, but no one wanted to see what was at the bottom of the Mist Sea, least of all myself, so most of the time the complaints were left silent.

       After a few moments we had worked our way past the crowd and into the middle of the road, where horse-drawn carts carrying goods - both to and from the port - would usually walk, but it was empty. The Mist Sea overflowing into the streets was a rare, but unfortunate happenstance, as it ruined the day for traders. Where they would normally be selling wares for gold and silver, they instead had to spend the day keeping the ships from flowing into Whelder with the tide. It came with the territory of owning a craft light enough to sail on the subtle currents, but it was unpleasant nonetheless.

       "This mist is ridiculous, I can't see ten feet in front of me," I murmured to no one in particular as we rounded another ambiguous corner, "at least I won't get thirsty."

       Red laughed a bit at my inner conversation, which he had obviously heard. Drawing his hand from the pocket of his coat he pulled back his flowing hair and fastened it behind his head with a copper pin. A knowing smile crept across his feminine face. "A cubic mile of mist contains less than a gallon of water, so don't go walking around with your mouth open. It's not enough to sate your thirst, and you'll look an awful lot like a turkey... but you already knew that, didn't you?"

       "Yep."

       "So you're just messing with me, hoping I would respond to your goading?"

       "Yep," I said with a smirk, holding the 'Y' a few moments longer than necessary, "and you did."

       "And you're a jackass." Red punched me on the shoulder and laughed. It had been a long standing joke between us to pick on each other for our social flaws, with mine being unwarranted sarcasm and lack of subtlety, and his being the insatiable need to point out facts and correct people. It wasn't animosity, really, so we never made a big deal of it.

       The mist made it a bit difficult to navigate the streets, but with Red's help we managed to find our way to the dock district without making a single wrong turn. His talent was astounding... he never once looked at a sign or posting, person or shop-stand, but he knew the way like the back of his hand, even with the limited visibility and the fact that he'd been away for at least three years on a mapping voyage. At least the people walking the streets had thinned some. The markets were always busy, but the docks were occupied by few who weren't tending to the ships, which could be seen floating in the distance, fastened safely to Orkora by a system of anchors, poles and skilled dockhands.

       The flagship of the Royal Navy, known to all as 'The Medallion', floated gracefully above the tide, leaving only it's gold and ivory painted underbelly visible to the streets below. The matching anchor had already been fastened to the large, stone building sitting right in the center of the docks. That building was our destination, the Whelder Institute, where both Red and I had earned our stripes in our various fields. They called us back on assignment for the Royal Navy.

       "You still have that letter?" I asked, hoping to glean a little bit more information as we walked up the Institute steps.

       Red opened his bag and shuffled through the hundreds of papers therein, pulling out a few and checking them over before putting them back. After a few moments he produced a small, cream piece of parchment covered in gold lettering; something reserved for requisitions of the Royal Navy. He quickly handed it over after reading it once for himself. "Here you are, but it's not going to alleviate your curiosity. If anything it'll just make it worse until we see him."

       I shook my head stubbornly and read the letter, wishing I could find an intention or clue as to what we'd be dealing with in just a few moments:


Declare here,
From the pen of Admiral Guillardo
1st Fleet of His Majesty's Royal Navy

       You have been summoned to the Whelder Institute pending assignment for His Majesty's Royal Navy under the authority of myself, Admiral Guillardo. The assignment is urgent, and we request your arrival by the 5th day of the month of the sun. Your sibling has been notified as well, as His Majesty is in need of both of your reputable talents.

       I hope to meet both you and your brother soon.

Regards,
       Admiral Guillardo
©2009 *NexusYuber
:iconnexusyuber:

Author's Comments

I'm still working on the formatting, so you'll be seeing a lot of editing in spacing and all of that junk in both this and the previous installments, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. I'll be updating more often over the next couple weeks, as I've hit a well of creativity. I'm also hoping to have some art done of various aspects of the story as time goes by, so if you're interested in that, send me a note or something.

---

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Critiques


:iconlatenightlady:
The streets of Whelder looked just as they did when we'd entered the training room a few hours earlier. The top layer of mist from the ports had rolled in and filled the cobble streets with a veil of white, like a bride before the fated moment with her suitor. The people walking them were as ghosts, going about their business unaffected by the blindness and cool touch of the air(.) Instead they chose to focus on the few(don't need the comma)intermittent beams of yellow sun that managed to fight their way past the stone buildings and cloudy haze. Yeah, that was pretty much exactly how we left it. - this sentence seems out of place - you really don't need it.

Red had already taken his usual pose, with his thin arms tightly wrapped up in the pockets of his coat to stave off the cool air. Over his left shoulder rested a heavy messenger bag filled with journals, inkwells, pens and those creased, oily pieces of paper he called his 'notes'. They creaked and shuffled against the leather bag with every step he took, but I had gotten used to it after so many years(.) (If) that's what it took to keep the most respected cartographer in Orkora in the business, then that was that. Besides, we had (gotten) used to each other after training for so long. Red may have been able to tell where a pirate took his afternoon nap by looking at the stars, but only I could keep the ship from falling into the depths of the mists when half of it had been blown away by said pirate's friends. Symbiotic relationship, they say.

As a self-proclaimed 'tinkerer', I kept my trench coat shorter, just about knee length (with) my black hair just long enough to keep my ears from freezing off. My bag was filled with the necessities for keeping a ship from falling into the bottomless mists surrounding Orkora: a mallet, twelve foot rope, nails, measuring tools and a whole bunch of water-bread for eating on the job. The stuff all clanged together something awful if I ran(.) (My) job kept me running a bunch, but no one wanted to see what was at the bottom of the Mist Sea, least of all myself(.) (Most of the time(,) the complaints were left silent.

After a few moments we had worked our way past the crowd and into the middle of the road(.) (H)orse-drawn carts (usually) carrying goods - both to and from the port - (were) empty. The Mist Sea overflowing into the streets was a rare, but unfortunate(,) happenstance as it ruined the day for traders. Where they would normally be selling wares for gold and silver, they instead had to spend the day keeping the ships from flowing into Whelder with the mist (You have used the word "mist" several times - try fog or something else). It came with the territory of owning a craft light enough to sail on the subtle currents of mist, but it was unpleasant nonetheless.

"This mist is ridiculous, I can't see ten feet in front of me," I murmured to no one in particular as we rounded another ambiguous corner, "at least I won't get thirsty."

Red laughed a bit at my inner conversation, which he had obviously heard. Drawing his hand from the pocket of his coat he pulled back his long, blond hair and fastened it behind his head with a copper pin. A knowing smile crept across his feminine face. "A cubic mile of mist contains less than a gallon of water, so don't go walking around with your mouth open. It's not enough to sate your thirst, and you'll look an awful lot like a turkey... but you already knew that, didn't you?"

"Yep."

"So you're just messing with me, hoping I would respond to your goading?"

"Yep," I said with a smirk, holding the 'y' a few moments longer than necessary, "and you did."

"And you're a jackass." Red punched me on the shoulder and laughed. It had been a long standing joke between us to pick on each other for our social flaws, with mine being unwarranted sarcasm and lack of subtlety, and his being the insatiable need to point out facts and correct people. It wasn't animosity, really, so we never made a big deal of it.

The mist made it a bit difficult to navigate the streets, but with Red's help we managed to find our way to the dock district without making a single wrong turn. His talent was astounding... he never once looked at a sign or posting, person or shop-stand(.) (H)e knew the way like the back of his hand, even with the limited visibility and the fact that he'd been away for at least three years on a mapping voyage. At least the people walking the streets had thinned some. The markets were always busy, but the docks were occupied by few who weren't tending to the ships, which could be seen floating in the distance, fastened safely to Orkora by the iron anchors and skilled deckhands.

The flagship of the Royal Navy, known to all as 'The Medallion', floated gracefully above the mist, leaving only it's gold and ivory painted underbelly visible to the streets below. The golden anchor had already been fastened to the large, stone building sitting right in the center of the docks. That building was our destination, the Whelder Institute, where both Red and I had earned our stripes in our various fields. They called us back on assignment for the Royal Navy.

"You still have that letter?" I asked, hoping to glean a little bit more information as we walked up the Institute steps.

Red opened his bag and shuffled through the hundreds of papers therein, pulling out a few and checking them over before putting them back. After a few moments he produced a small, cream piece of parchment covered in gold lettering; something reserved for requisitions of the Royal Navy. He quickly handed it over after reading it once for himself. "Here you are, but it's not going to alleviate your curiosity. If anything it'll just make it worse until we see him."

I shook my head stubbornly and read the letter, hoping to find an intention or clue as to what we'd be dealing with in just a few moments:


Declare here,
From the pen of Admiral Guillardo
1st Fleet of his Royal Navy

You have been summoned to the Whelder Institute pending assignment for his (who is "his"?)Royal Navy under the authority of myself, Admiral Guillardo. The assignment is urgent, and we request your arrival by the 5th day of the month of the sun. Your sibling has been notified as well, as His Majesty is in need of both of your reputable talents.

I hope to meet both you and your brother soon.

Regards,
Admiral Guillardo


Sounds good - be watchful how many times you use "mist". Personally - i would like some more detail of the environment.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconstar-blazer:
So sorry I hadn't gotten around to checking this out, earlier!
Anyway-- I really liked the tone you used, again. It flows so well throughout your pieces, I have to say, there's no way the reader can be bored. Again, the descriptions are wonderful, and balanced out by dialogue.
The description of the mist/fog, especially was very well written. The reader can almost position themselves in the characters' feet and get the sense that they are. The imagery was simply wonderful throughout that section.
Also, the ending! I loved the note as the ending-- very nicely written, as well. Gives the reader the information they need on the brothers' journey, yet still keeps them guessing.
Overall, I think it was a well written piece-- as always^^
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconwhothehellisthat:
Just read it all so far, and it's good stuff... A very interesting world, what with the mist, and transport related to it... I look forward to reading more of this.

Regarding the artwork, am I to understand you are opening that up for other people to do artwork related to this story, or are you saying you'll be doing artwork for it? If the former, then I'd like to offer my services (I'm not that great, but I'd love to have a go, even if it's not used); if the latter, then I also look forward to seeing those.

Only thing I'd like to point out - instead of "gleam", it should be "glean". As in "gleaning information from a document".

--
Gutted. Like a Fish. In a Swimming Pool. Full of Mud.
:iconnexusyuber:
Thanks for reading and pointing out that error, I fixed it just now :D

Also, I'm happy to hear that you like the idea of the transportation, as that was the founding idea for this story. As for the artwork, I'm a horrible, ghastly artist that could use his drawings as weapons rather than enjoyable pieces, so it's safe to assume I mean other people. I'd love for artwork of anything; the ships, characters, cities, whatever. It helps establish a setting when there are illustrations, and I'd more than appreciate any fanart.

--
Beyond the Mist: [link]

Shameless self-promotion is the cornerstone of humanity.
:iconwhothehellisthat:
ok; that's cool...
Well, your photo's are great! I've browsed through some of them, and they're really nice... Perhaps if you see some old towns or castles, or even boats that remind you of Whelder, or a particular part of the story, you could snap it and show us... This would give us an even better feeling for the setting the story is in; and perhaps give artists that want to get involved somne ideas of where to start.

I have an idea for drawing Red and Vin walking away from camera, toward the institute, with mist wisping around the place... SOund cool?

As I've said, I'm still not that great an artist, but I'll give it my best shot ;)

--
Gutted. Like a Fish. In a Swimming Pool. Full of Mud.
:iconnexusyuber:
I might just do that photography thing if I get the chance. I don't live near anything close to what I picture for Whelder, but I could always keep a look out. As far as giving ideas for where to start, I have a huge list of stuff that I've described in full, including the finer details of Vin and Red as well as the other characters yet to be introduced. I wrote them up just in case someone wanted to make an illustration or if I wanted to commission someone.

That does sound like a cool picture, and I'm honored that your willing to give it a shot. Don't worry about your ability, because your interpretation of my story is enough to make it all worthwhile, and if your page is any indication, you're definitely not bad. Not at all.

--
Beyond the Mist: [link]

Shameless self-promotion is the cornerstone of humanity.
:iconwhothehellisthat:
Cool. If you do happen to find anything related to the story, I'm sure it'll bring a whole extra level of realism for the reader; extra amaterial to think about, you know?

Do you reckon you could put those descriptions in a deviation somewhere? And you could just update it when needed. Then anyone wishing to make some BtM art, they can just have a quick look at it... Unless of course it gives stuff away or whatever - then you could just add info to it as things are revealed in the story.

Thanks a lot... I'll make a special effort for this piece also, so I hope you like it ;)

--
Gutted. Like a Fish. In a Swimming Pool. Full of Mud.
:iconnexusyuber:
I took a drive after class today, and I think I found a building that pretty much encompasses the style of Whelder buildings, but it's a bit out of the way, so I wasn't able to go pack with my Rebel. I'm gonna try to hit it this weekend if I can. As for the description deviation, I've already started. I'm making two separate deviations. One for people, one for places and buildings of importance. That way I won't have one huge tumor of a deviation that just gets grossly huge. It'll double as a way for people to get more in touch with the characters.

I'm gonna comment on your fantastic art in a second, but from the thumbnail I'm really really grateful. Thanks a freaking metric ton. No seriously. I thank you in metric tons.

--
Beyond the Mist: [link]

Shameless self-promotion is the cornerstone of humanity.
:iconwhothehellisthat:
Cool... Look forward to seeing it ;)

Sounds good. Manga and webcomic authors have "Character descriptions" and things like that, so similar idea, I guess. Anyway, I'm sure it'll be interesting delving deeper into the characters.

Haha... [takes metric ton of thanks, puts on mantle-piece.]

I tell you what would be cool... If you could read through a few of my pieces of writing and comment/crit, that would be great!... (Be sure to start with the first of a series though - they can get confusing ;))

--
Gutted. Like a Fish. In a Swimming Pool. Full of Mud.
:iconnexusyuber:
That I can do. Is there any specific one that you'd like me to focus on. I could always spread the love, though :D

--
Beyond the Mist: [link]

Shameless self-promotion is the cornerstone of humanity.
:iconwhothehellisthat:
Not sure...
"He" is an almost poetic tale (with a bit of gore and hinted at violence).
"POP" is an exploration of imagination (with some violence and existential stuff).
And "Golden" (still in-progress) is a more "normal" story - "teen fairytale" in nature.

So take your pick; but it would be cool if you had a look at each ;)

Thanks, man.

--
Gutted. Like a Fish. In a Swimming Pool. Full of Mud.

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